Cooter Balls (formerly Sweetbob) (sweetbob) wrote,
Cooter Balls (formerly Sweetbob)

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One Foot In, One Foot Out

I thought after I wrote my last entry that I would start to feel better. I have felt the same and maybe even a little worse. I think my medication is making some things harder to do, like be any definition of productive. I have also been noticing that my anxiety is getting worse at times. Like today, I went into work to pick up a shift, but I was in the building for maybe 5 minutes and I just got in my car and left. I haven't been working much at all. A lot of my co-workers were saying "Hey, Where have you been?" I don't want to go into the deep of everything.

I think I'm dealing with a lot of shame. I know I really shouldn't, but it's there. I'm just upset that I'm letting this thing control my life. I'm constantly putting myself in situations that I fail. I think I want a new job, maybe that will give me some intiative. I've just heard the word 'No' so much lately, i put too much pressure on each and every failed interview attempt. I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon, it's for a shift one night a week at a place just outside of Columbus. I don't even think that I will get the job, but I have to try. It could lead to something more, but I'm in dire need of a routine. No more temp accounting jobs, no more contract positions, I need something that I can depend on. I guess my Logan's job has always kind of been there, but sometimes I get so bad that being around strangers is just the scariest thing I could do.

I was talking to a friend today about how I haven't really given Ohio a chance. I know I've been here for a year and a half, but seems like I have had one foot here and one foot back home. I may just be missing friends back home, since I haven't been back to visit in 4 months. I have a few new friends here and I thought that it would make me feel more established, it has a little, but I think getting a permanent job during the day will help me even more. I've been thinking about just working at a bookstore during the day and serving a few nights a week. I just need to be occupied if I plan on waking up early and getting on a schedule. It is too easy for me to say "screw it" and go back to sleep if I don't actually have to be up for anything. I need to work on that next week, as it is around 4am already and I don't think I'll end up waking up early tomorrow, well this morning.

I'm not a religious person, I think many of my friends already know that. I can see why people who are either in a bad situation or just in need with no one to turn to, go to their religion. I've kind of always realized that, but I am seeing it more clearer now. I don't see myself turning to anything spiritual. I've been trying to meditate before I go to sleep. I'm not really good at it yet, but I hope that I can clear my mind this way. Most of the time I end up meditating and it leads to a train of thought that I can't stop thinking about.

This is a little off-topic, but I talked to another friend earlier today. I was telling her that I am not 'great' at one single thing. I'm good at a lot of things, but not great. I used to think that I was a pretty good writer, but after submitting a few things recently, I've become pretty discouraged. I don't think that I have the patience to hone my skills to become great at one thing. I started thinking of things that I am/was great at. Here is the list:

Playing Madden
Bowling (circa 1998)
Downloading obscure albums
Quoting 'Anchorman'
Listening to people
Contacting PR people for my website and getting what I need(1999-2005)
Collections (I know, not a good thing to be great at)

A few of those things are nice to have, but others are not of any use to me. I used to play Madden all the time, it helped me calm my mind down, plus I could kill the Patriots any night of the week. I know I'm probably missing a few things, I'll keep a running list if I think of anything else
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