We dated for a year and a half, we had our ups and downs, but dammit, who knows what could have been. I have been drinking nearly every day since it happened and that's not in my nature. As I'm writing this, I heart is shattered and I physically feel like I am dying. No one should go through this kind of pain and agony. I know people have gone through a lot more than what I'm dealing with, but this is all new to me, when a hopeless romantic gets his heart ripped out, nothing at that moment could be worse to him/her.
I am at a loss for words, I have no motivation to do much of anything. I have lost a lot of weight over the last 2 weeks...I feel like a pussy taking it like this. Everything reminds me of her and I am mere pawn in a game of heartbreak. I haven't been able to sleep in my own bed in 2 weeks, I've been sleeping on the couch. Just laying in my bed reminds me of her and times that we've had in my room. Fuck, why can't I get over her.
We bought a dog together about 6 months ago and even he reminds me of her. I feel really bad for him, he deserves a better upbringing than what I can give him. I'm a bipolar wreck that is just trying to live one day at a time.
I am just so damn lonely....I miss my best friend more than anything. We were so close, I can tell her anything and she got me. I don't have a very solid support system here and I guess I need a hug right now. I was feeling pretty good yesterday, but damn has tonight been rough.
I know that I haven't written about it and I feel like it was hindering my other writing. I haven't written on any of my blogs for the last few weeks. I just feel like writing about sports or music seems so minute right now when I'm dealing with a crisis in my life.
I was going to go out tonight, try to find some people to hang out with. I stopped as I was getting ready and I uttered the words "No one is going to love you out there." It freaked me out, I just stopped getting ready, put my sweats on and stayed in. I mean, there's some truth to that statement, but damn, for me to look in the mirror and say that to my face, what is wrong with me.
I need to start thinking about the better things in my life. Maybe it was for the best, but that kind of thinking isn't logical at this point. I know that I'll get there one day, hopefully soon.
I'm contemplating a complete displacement from myself with any kind of internet contact with people. It just seems all fake right now and I need something real. I don't know where I would find such a thing, but talking to people on facebook and AIM is losing its ability to make me feel better.
I need to find my motivation and get my shit together fast or I'm going to lose everything that I've worked so hard to obtain over the last 2 years...one of those things is my sanity and I can already start to feel my grip starting to loosen on that.