Cooter Balls (formerly Sweetbob) (sweetbob) wrote,
Cooter Balls (formerly Sweetbob)

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It's been a long time, my friends

Wow, I guess I still need this journal to vent. I guess it's my safe haven. I do have a blog on myspace that I used to update all the time after I moved on from LJ, but too many of my close friends read that journal. I guess I want to say some things here that a few people who I haven't heard from in a long time (my LJ friends) may or may not read. I want to write a letter to my current girlfriend, Stephanie. She is super busy with finals and is super stressed out and I don't want to bug her or distract her from the finals that she is studying for her first quarter of pharmacy school. Deal with me, it may not be totally coherent or maybe make sense really, I'm writing this as a rough draft and I really need to get things off my chest before I have another anxiety attack and/or this Xanax starts to kick in. Here it goes...

Dear Stephanie,
I am writing this in my journal that I rarely use because I need to get things off of my chest. I don't really know where to start but I'm starting to feel like I am a distraction to you and your studies. It's not a great feeling to have, since we are both in love with each other, but over the last three weeks I feel like I've been the only one that wants to be in this relationship. I call you and want to see you, but you are so in-tune with your studying that I'm 2nd if not 3rd fiddle. I am going through a lot of stuff that you know of and Nov-Feb are really hard months on me. I wish I wasn't bipolar and have anxiety attacks followed by depression. Everything in my life is harder than most people. I didn't really understand it until I heard a few people close to me tell this to me. It took awhile to understand, but having a mental illness has prevented me from doing so many things that sometimes it's too much to handle.

Three weeks ago you broke a bombshell on me that you wanted to take things slow and maybe we should see other people. The timing of all this was a little too much to handle at the time. We just finished "being with each other" and as soon as it was done you sprung the news on me. After you told me this, you said the words "I Love You" for the first time to me. I felt like all you had to do to finish me off was kick me in my junk. You begged me not to break up with you at the time and it would have just been easier for me to do that, since I would rather be broken up with fast than to wait weeks and weeks and end things slowly. At that moment I felt like maybe you've met someone else and I wasn't good enough for you. You later realized that you didn't think things out before you told me and we agreed that it was a bad time. You needed time to focus on your school and we agreed to be exclusive to each other. I guess since that conversation we haven't had a lot of time with each other and I feel like maybe you have a foot out the door. I know you told me that you didn't want me to be an ex-boyfriend and you are scared of commitment. I have felt like the last three weeks that I am not even your boyfriend and I guess that has bothered me.

You're actually the first girl that I told them that I loved them. I have dated girls in the past and things never really felt right with them. I never pictured a future with any of them, I have commitment issues, but with you it was different. We hit it off from the start and it was so easy. I know relationships aren't easy, so I've been told, and maybe we did rush into things, but we both had long discussions that neither of us thought we were at the time. I know there is a universal timetable for how a relationship is supposed to go, but for every norm, there are thousands of relationships that find their own path to happiness. I know you think that you started a relationship when you moved here for a new life with school and you drew parallels with a past relationship that didn't end well. I hope that I have convinced you that I am not that person and think things won't have the same result.

I've always had issues with self-respect. I just wonder if me sticking around in this one-sided relationship is hurting me. I know it hasn't always been one-sided, but since we had our talk it appears to be the case. I have had long conversations with a couple friends of mine about what I should do. One of my friends likes you, but isn't liking where this situation is headed. The other friend said that she had a similar situation with her husband, before they were even married. She said that you are probably so stressed out and not realizing what you are doing. She told me if I really love you and want to make things work out, I need to not let this hurt my feelings at all. I think she is a smart friend and I want to take this approach.

I want to be around you and do things together. We may not have tons of things in common, but I want to do things that you like to do and I hope you would like to do things that I like to do. You are very goal-oriented and I haven't been much in my life. I have had a lot of rejection in my life and I'm always setting myself up for failure. I couldn't take it anymore and it lead to more problems with anxiety and depression. My therapist told me that I need to set goals that are obtainable within a day. I have been living my life this way for over a year, but I think that I am becoming a stronger person. I am ready to start trying to obtain some of my goals. I am not sure if I'm going to put President of the United States on my goal list, just yet, but these goals will be decent ones that I hope we can accomplish together. I think I need someone in my life that will help catch me if I fall, I know I will be there to catch you, I just need to the same if I am going to go through with me new outlook.

I guess I want to tell you that I love you and hope everything works out. I guess I miss you since I haven't seen you much over this period. I know I will need you during my low periods and I guess I feel shutout that you're not even letting me be there for you while you are having such a hard few weeks with school. You did tell me that if I am having issues with my bipolar stuff to not shut you out, I just hope you follow your advice; I'm feeling shut out.

I'm probably never going to give you this letter, but it is helping sort things out.


I hope the friends that I have left here on LJ could leave me some comments of encouragement.
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