I've had a rough couple of years. I guess I should have written on here more, but I was afraid of what I would find out about myself. I would write something and then read it the next day and not know the person that posted said entry. I'm struggling with Bipolar disorder. I wish I could take the world and put them into a room so I can explain what I go through everyday. People shouldn't be afraid of people who suffer with bipolar, they should just be a crutch on the days where it is hard to get out of bed.
I thought with the beginning of a new year, this will be my year...I was foolish. I've been hospitalized twice since New Year's and I seriously doubt that that will be my last. I'm on a couple medications and I don't think one of them is working. My other medication, Zyprexa, is making me sleep everyday, something that I've struggled with. Wellbutrin is the medication that isn't working. It is an anti-depressant and I think it is making me worse. I am afraid to leave my apartment, which isn't new, but I'm even more agoraphobic than I used to be.
Things have been bouncing in my head, scary things. I wonder if I died, who will come to my funeral. Who would cry or who would see it coming? Things that scare the hell out of me. I am dealing with some low moments lately and I think the medicine is triggering it. I have told my doctor what I've been going through, but he wants me to stay on it a little longer. My next doc appt. is a week from tomorrow, I'm looking forward to it, 'cause maybe then he'll realize how bad this is making me.
I'm not a religious person, I think it is easier that way. If I was religious I would have a "faith" that would give me a false sense of security. I'm sure that would be helpful at times, but I would struggle with the question of "Why would God be so brutal and evil to have put me in this spot?" I mean I'm a nice guy, I think I have done good things for people, why? Why Why Why? That would be going through my head a lot. I am glad I am not religious. I kind of got the shit-end of the stick when it comes to genetics, but I am strong-willed, but a man can only take so much...I'm nearing the end of my pain-threshold. I hope something changes or I'm afraid of what could happen.