Well, I went to Cleveland to look at the National City position, saw some old faces, no one really looked happy. I mean, if I would move there, I would be in the same situation just with no real foundation to lean on. I started to remember a lot of the days that I had there, some of the days were great, and then I remembered the days that I want to forget. Calling people who owe bills for a living, is just that a living, I don’t want to say it’s a career for the weak-hearted. Some of the people were sincere and I wanted to take my checkbook out and pay it for them. Oh, and then the people who you call and they past away and you get a widowed wife on the other end, I can still remember almost hearing the tears well up in her eyes as she spoke.
I was walking around Cleveland and then I just ended up in a Catholic church around noon. I don’t know why I went in there. The next thing I knew I was lighting some candles, Sort of doing things that I thought other people did. I looked around the corner and there was a line for the confessional. I stepped in line, as I was waiting I asked the man in front of me, “Do you have to be Catholic, to do this?” he said, “No, but you might want to tell the priest that.” So, I wait for about 10 minutes and then I go in, spill my guts out to this dude, everything that has been bothering me. In short, telling him that I am a good guy, I rarely do things that God or whomever would deem to be sinful. He just reminded me that we’re all God’s children and he’d pray for me. The next few days were nice days, I can’t say it was because of this one priest, but I can respect a religion if I see some good in it. Some weird things happened after that, a few people got in contact with me that I lost contact with and made some new bonds with some old friends.
Anyways, I am good at collecting, but I need to realize that I am good at a lot of things, if I put my mind to it, I know I can excel at about anything. I’m a fast learner, etc. I don’t like collecting ‘cause of some financial troubles my parents had while I was growing up, I never thought I was ever going to be the guy on the other side of the phone that would make my mom cry. I just don’t see myself working in Cleveland for National City.
After that I went down to Columbus to visit my friend Jack, it was a great time, I didn’t even need to take any medication while I was there. Met some new people, a few very cool, a couple very real. It was supposed to be a one day trip, ended up being like 4 days or something, I had an awesome time. I can see myself living there for awhile maybe.
So, I have gotten a few job offers in OH, but I don’t have the fundage to move. It’s like I could see the end of the rainbow, but unable to touch the gold. I’ve been turned down for jobs that I honestly believe that I might have even been over-qualified for, because I have that much pride in my ability to pull through, in whatever I do. At first, this job search was about getting a better job, then it went to maybe getting about the same pay, then it went to, “let’s see how much I need a month and get a job where I can get by.”, now, it’s, “Can I really suck it up and work fast food and lose what little self-respect I have?” It’s a question that I’ll ponder as I will try to sell myself to as many people that will listen to me tomorrow. Tomorrow I will be employed by Bobby Roberts Inc., see how many of these Bobby Roberts version 1.0, I can see to employers, then from there, choose from the best.
I plan on going on a resumé rampage tomorrow and handing out a bunch to get the train keep on keepin’ on. I just need something that will sustain me for awhile. I believe this is why I did the next thing……
Well, I was in town ‘cause I had to babysit my niece, it was awesome, but that’s beside the point. I was in Ligonier and I did something that I’ve never done in the entire time I have been in Ligonier. I went to the back of the graveyard. There’s a huge graveyard in the middle of town and I’ve never been to the back, where all the old tombstones are. Some date as far back as like 1819, and so on. There’s even two huge tombs. Well, I deduced the reason why I was there was because I was unable to visit my grandma’s grave in West Virginia, I miss her when I’m at my parents house ‘cause I have to sleep in her room when I’m staying at my parents house. So I looked at all the tombs, read them, some were first generation immigrants from Germany. I mean, they lived the so-called “American Dream” and who knows, probably was on Ellis Island, some of them at least. Knowing that no one that actually knew them are still alive, it would basically be impossible, they would be like 140 yrs old or something. I kissed my hand and touched each tombstone. I knew at least at one time someone loved them and was sad. I could almost feel that with every touch of a stone.
Also, I noticed that as I went towards the newer sections of the graveyard, the tombstones were less extravagant. I know that they didn’t love their loved ones less, maybe something that they had back in early 1900s would cost about a hundred times more now for the same slab of limestone. I’ve decided today that if I were to be ever diagnosed with a disease that was deemed to be deadly and a cure is not in sight, I would build and carve my own tombstone. People, money, titles, houses, all this stuff is dust eventually, but tombstones last a lot longer. I want people 200 years from now look at my tombstone and go, “wow, someone must have loved him to build such a memorial.” I hope by that time that I love myself enough to do that.
So, I miss my grandma all the time, I always keep two of her handkerchiefs on me, at least when I’m driving. It’s silly to say that these 2 pieces of cloth are ever going to deter me from getting hurt in a car, but it helps me, especially since my cousin died in a car accident a month ago, by the way, I visited his grave today too, it was glorious, I wish him the best wherever great people go when they are taken away from the living.
If you have read down to here, I thank you. You are going to get to the real reason of why I am writing this….The reason I am still here, the reason I decided everyday that I’m going to survive that day. I believe that there’s a balance in this world….I am having one of the shittiest fucking years in history, up to this point, but I believe that someone out there is having the best god damn time of their lives right now, and if I have to suffer for someone to feel such a great feeling, so be it. If this unselfish act that I believe I am doing will pay in the end. Karma is a bitch and I believe I have always had a good handful of it since if you would ask all my friends to say something bad about me, I can not really say too many could come up with anything, am I being conceded by saying that, no, ‘cause the only thing in this fucking world you have is you. So basically, if you call whatever I say some sort of weird religious or spiritual nonsense, so be it. I just believe in the goodness of man, something that I thought I lost a long time ago. Back when I thought I was a naive kid from Ligonier who stuttered, well I found a few things on my way down to the bottom.
I may not know what or where I’ll be tomorrow, but I know that the best days of my life are ahead of me, that’s why I don’t go in my room and swallow a bottle of pills, I’ve lost that belief a few times, haven’t we all? Honestly, think, maybe it wasn’t too far ago, that you didn’t think it could get any worse. I know if could get a lot worse for me, I may think I’m at the bottom, but I’m nowhere near it. A wise woman, who was my grandma, once said, “Whatever doesn’t kill you, will only make you stronger.” This is coming from a woman that raised 12 kids and couldn’t read a single word in the Bible, but could recite any book in the Bible word for word….I’m not a religious guy, but that’s dedication.
I think that I have cleared out some of the thoughts that I’ve had bouncing around in there. Everyone is free to comment on anything, I enjoy hearing from everyone and I hope to be there for each one of you, if you’re ever in need of assistance.
I’m going to end with this wise quote from a homeless man that I spoke with for awhile. “An act of kindness costs nothing to giver, but is priceless to the recipient.”