Cooter Balls (formerly Sweetbob) (sweetbob) wrote,
Cooter Balls (formerly Sweetbob)

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Been Awhile....

So here I am, about a year since I've last posted a serious entry.

I'm on Valium, Xanex, and one of many prescriptions that I've been assigned to take. Paxil, Seroquel, Lexapro, etc, etc.....none of those have worked. The more I take a certain medication, the more I want to kill myself. Seriously, the thought has occured to me, here lately, not a day has gone by without me wanting everything to end. I would have probably already ended everything if it wouldn't be for the physical pain and the fact that I would do emotional harm to the people that love me.

I've been doing somewhat of a hermit lifestyle lately, in hopes of maybe distancing myself from people and therefore the pain of me being gone wouldn't be so hard. I dunno, maybe its a subconscious thing I'm doing.

I seriously hate myself.....I have such aspirations and not in a situation to do anything about them. I need help, I've seeked it in the past and all they do is give me another medication that doesnt do anything but make the day go by faster and possibly makes me high.

This has been coming on and off for the last year, even tried twice to take a bunch of pills and mix it with alcohol to see if that would do it......luckily or unluckily my body threw whatever I put in my system up.

I just really needed to get this out of my system. I had a girlfriend, she was nice, i just stopped talking to her, didn't feel the need to drag her down into the gutter that I'm in, she has a lot going for her. Plus, I might be moving to Cleveland to get my old job back, the national city bank job that I had for about 2 years and the office moved to Cleveland, it was a nice job, good money, and it wasn't hard work.

I feel better now, I will finish watching the Aviator now.
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