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Confusion Is A Second Chance For Heartache [entries|friends|calendar]
Cooter Balls (formerly Sweetbob)

[ website | America's White Boy ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Goodbye My Love [18 Feb 2010|12:03am]
[ mood | lonely ]

The last 2 weeks have been so hard. The love of my life woke me up and told me that she didn't love me anymore and she could never see herself marrying me. I felt like my life ended that day. A person has a picture of what their life would be like and it vanished within two sentences.

We dated for a year and a half, we had our ups and downs, but dammit, who knows what could have been. I have been drinking nearly every day since it happened and that's not in my nature. As I'm writing this, I heart is shattered and I physically feel like I am dying. No one should go through this kind of pain and agony. I know people have gone through a lot more than what I'm dealing with, but this is all new to me, when a hopeless romantic gets his heart ripped out, nothing at that moment could be worse to him/her.

I am at a loss for words, I have no motivation to do much of anything. I have lost a lot of weight over the last 2 weeks...I feel like a pussy taking it like this. Everything reminds me of her and I am mere pawn in a game of heartbreak. I haven't been able to sleep in my own bed in 2 weeks, I've been sleeping on the couch. Just laying in my bed reminds me of her and times that we've had in my room. Fuck, why can't I get over her.

We bought a dog together about 6 months ago and even he reminds me of her. I feel really bad for him, he deserves a better upbringing than what I can give him. I'm a bipolar wreck that is just trying to live one day at a time.

I am just so damn lonely....I miss my best friend more than anything. We were so close, I can tell her anything and she got me. I don't have a very solid support system here and I guess I need a hug right now. I was feeling pretty good yesterday, but damn has tonight been rough.

I know that I haven't written about it and I feel like it was hindering my other writing. I haven't written on any of my blogs for the last few weeks. I just feel like writing about sports or music seems so minute right now when I'm dealing with a crisis in my life.

I was going to go out tonight, try to find some people to hang out with. I stopped as I was getting ready and I uttered the words "No one is going to love you out there." It freaked me out, I just stopped getting ready, put my sweats on and stayed in. I mean, there's some truth to that statement, but damn, for me to look in the mirror and say that to my face, what is wrong with me.

I need to start thinking about the better things in my life. Maybe it was for the best, but that kind of thinking isn't logical at this point. I know that I'll get there one day, hopefully soon.

I'm contemplating a complete displacement from myself with any kind of internet contact with people. It just seems all fake right now and I need something real. I don't know where I would find such a thing, but talking to people on facebook and AIM is losing its ability to make me feel better.

I need to find my motivation and get my shit together fast or I'm going to lose everything that I've worked so hard to obtain over the last 2 years...one of those things is my sanity and I can already start to feel my grip starting to loosen on that.

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I've been doing a lot of thinking.... [24 Jan 2010|05:03am]
It's been almost 10 years since I've had this livejournal....man, I can't believe that I've had it for that long. I know that I haven't updated this very often the last five years or so, but I have been doing a lot of writing in other places.

I'm starting to re-think my potential writing career...I just don't know if I have it in me. I feel like it has kept me from experienced a lot of things in my life. Shouldn't one of the joys of writing be writing about your experiences? I sit in my office, talk to other authors (most whom I've never met in person), and talk about sports/music/pop culture like what I'm writing even matters. 99% of the words that I write probably aren't even registered as a full thought. People skim through blogs/articles like they have something really important to get to and in actuality, they are just sitting at a Starbucks, drinking a skim latte to fit in with the masses. I have been re-evaluating a lot of things in my life and I feel like I'm going in circles. Who the fuck am I? Why should people read anything that I write? Why does my opinion or insight matter on any subject matter to anyone other than myself? I think a writer has to find humility before he finds success. I found that long time ago and I might be cutting myself short, hell I'm writing this in my livejournal that only a few people even read. If I had complete self-confidence and a reckless attitude, I would post this very paragraph in every medium that I write for...that would be a fun idea.

I guess I thought that I would get my "big break" by now...I have some opportunities on the horizon and even a podcast in the works, but nothing big. I read people who are in mainstream media or a well-recognized blogs/papers and their writing has such a sense of entitlement attached to them. I read them, get halfway through and I am just disgusted. At first I thought it was jealous making me view these people as snobs, but I know that it's not that. For example, why should I care who *fill in the blank* thinks is the best baseball player of all time? The author is in his early 20s and I have baseball cards other than he is. He might be knowledgeable on the subject, but it usually comes off as "this is the way it is because I said so" idea which is getting old. I believe that it is a sense of entitlement that young adults have because they started a blog, built a following by posting pictures of celebrities in bikinis with some sports information attached to the viewing material. Anyone can start a blog and there are ways to pad the traffic and sometimes that sense of entitlement and naivety is so loud that what the author is writing might as well be put on mute.

I'm glad that I got that off my chest. So, how has everyone's weekend been so far?
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Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying [19 Dec 2009|12:43am]
[ mood | good ]

It's been awhile since I've updated on this journal. I've had this journal for about 8 years and I've met a lot of great people on here. You have all read my struggles with bipolar and finding my place in life. I just felt that I needed to update the people who still have this on my life.

I still may not have found Miss Right, but I have found a good job, a permanent one, not a temp job. I am getting a large raise next year and I feel like it could be the beginning of something great. To quote one of my favorite movies, "Shawshank Redemption," I better "get busy living or get busy dying." I think about that quote and it's time to do that. I've spent much of the last 5 years busy dying, but dammit, it's now time to get busy living.

Bobby, you better do this or the Bobby of 5 years ago is going to kick your ass!

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.......Also [25 Aug 2009|10:39pm]
If anyone does read this, I would love to re-connect with you guys.

Many of you helped me through a lot of shit over the last like 5-6 years. You've all been great. Please leave a comment and I'll comment back and we can chat sometime.
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It's been awhile [25 Aug 2009|10:35pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I haven't posted anything on here in like 8 or 9 months and probably 6 months before that, haha.

Just wanted to let everyone who still follows me (if any) that I write for a couple sites.

http://www.americaswhiteboy.com

http://www.pacersplace.com

http://www.stingersonice.com

http://www.gunaxin.com

Check them out.

BTW, everything is great with the world.

(probably the first time I've uttered that phrase on LJ)

BTW --- Twitter name is SWEETBOB (add me)

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It's been a long time, my friends [06 Dec 2008|04:45am]
Wow, I guess I still need this journal to vent. I guess it's my safe haven. I do have a blog on myspace that I used to update all the time after I moved on from LJ, but too many of my close friends read that journal. I guess I want to say some things here that a few people who I haven't heard from in a long time (my LJ friends) may or may not read. I want to write a letter to my current girlfriend, Stephanie. She is super busy with finals and is super stressed out and I don't want to bug her or distract her from the finals that she is studying for her first quarter of pharmacy school. Deal with me, it may not be totally coherent or maybe make sense really, I'm writing this as a rough draft and I really need to get things off my chest before I have another anxiety attack and/or this Xanax starts to kick in. Here it goes...

Dear Stephanie,
I am writing this in my journal that I rarely use because I need to get things off of my chest. I don't really know where to start but I'm starting to feel like I am a distraction to you and your studies. It's not a great feeling to have, since we are both in love with each other, but over the last three weeks I feel like I've been the only one that wants to be in this relationship. I call you and want to see you, but you are so in-tune with your studying that I'm 2nd if not 3rd fiddle. I am going through a lot of stuff that you know of and Nov-Feb are really hard months on me. I wish I wasn't bipolar and have anxiety attacks followed by depression. Everything in my life is harder than most people. I didn't really understand it until I heard a few people close to me tell this to me. It took awhile to understand, but having a mental illness has prevented me from doing so many things that sometimes it's too much to handle.

Three weeks ago you broke a bombshell on me that you wanted to take things slow and maybe we should see other people. The timing of all this was a little too much to handle at the time. We just finished "being with each other" and as soon as it was done you sprung the news on me. After you told me this, you said the words "I Love You" for the first time to me. I felt like all you had to do to finish me off was kick me in my junk. You begged me not to break up with you at the time and it would have just been easier for me to do that, since I would rather be broken up with fast than to wait weeks and weeks and end things slowly. At that moment I felt like maybe you've met someone else and I wasn't good enough for you. You later realized that you didn't think things out before you told me and we agreed that it was a bad time. You needed time to focus on your school and we agreed to be exclusive to each other. I guess since that conversation we haven't had a lot of time with each other and I feel like maybe you have a foot out the door. I know you told me that you didn't want me to be an ex-boyfriend and you are scared of commitment. I have felt like the last three weeks that I am not even your boyfriend and I guess that has bothered me.

You're actually the first girl that I told them that I loved them. I have dated girls in the past and things never really felt right with them. I never pictured a future with any of them, I have commitment issues, but with you it was different. We hit it off from the start and it was so easy. I know relationships aren't easy, so I've been told, and maybe we did rush into things, but we both had long discussions that neither of us thought we were at the time. I know there is a universal timetable for how a relationship is supposed to go, but for every norm, there are thousands of relationships that find their own path to happiness. I know you think that you started a relationship when you moved here for a new life with school and you drew parallels with a past relationship that didn't end well. I hope that I have convinced you that I am not that person and think things won't have the same result.

I've always had issues with self-respect. I just wonder if me sticking around in this one-sided relationship is hurting me. I know it hasn't always been one-sided, but since we had our talk it appears to be the case. I have had long conversations with a couple friends of mine about what I should do. One of my friends likes you, but isn't liking where this situation is headed. The other friend said that she had a similar situation with her husband, before they were even married. She said that you are probably so stressed out and not realizing what you are doing. She told me if I really love you and want to make things work out, I need to not let this hurt my feelings at all. I think she is a smart friend and I want to take this approach.

I want to be around you and do things together. We may not have tons of things in common, but I want to do things that you like to do and I hope you would like to do things that I like to do. You are very goal-oriented and I haven't been much in my life. I have had a lot of rejection in my life and I'm always setting myself up for failure. I couldn't take it anymore and it lead to more problems with anxiety and depression. My therapist told me that I need to set goals that are obtainable within a day. I have been living my life this way for over a year, but I think that I am becoming a stronger person. I am ready to start trying to obtain some of my goals. I am not sure if I'm going to put President of the United States on my goal list, just yet, but these goals will be decent ones that I hope we can accomplish together. I think I need someone in my life that will help catch me if I fall, I know I will be there to catch you, I just need to the same if I am going to go through with me new outlook.

I guess I want to tell you that I love you and hope everything works out. I guess I miss you since I haven't seen you much over this period. I know I will need you during my low periods and I guess I feel shutout that you're not even letting me be there for you while you are having such a hard few weeks with school. You did tell me that if I am having issues with my bipolar stuff to not shut you out, I just hope you follow your advice; I'm feeling shut out.

I'm probably never going to give you this letter, but it is helping sort things out.

Love,
Bobby

I hope the friends that I have left here on LJ could leave me some comments of encouragement.
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America's White Boy [20 Mar 2008|07:02pm]
[ mood | okay ]

I’ve started a new blog. It will be upbeat and mostly dealing with music, sport, and pop culture.

AmericasWhiteBoy.Blogspot.com

Haha, I know what you’re thinking. I tried sweetbob.blogspot.com and someone already has that url and it wouldn’t let me register it. Maybe I registered the name a long time ago and forgot, who knows!

There are only a few posts on it so far, but I hope to add to it daily with various items.

I will still write on my personal blog here and myspace. I’ve just realized that my blog on here is often pretty intense. I am going to try and live life a little more carefree and try to do what I love. I like making people laugh and trying to do a little of that myself. Life has been pretty rough lately and I am in dire need of some life-enjoyment.

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One Foot In, One Foot Out [07 Mar 2008|04:01am]
[ mood | tired ]

I thought after I wrote my last entry that I would start to feel better. I have felt the same and maybe even a little worse. I think my medication is making some things harder to do, like be any definition of productive. I have also been noticing that my anxiety is getting worse at times. Like today, I went into work to pick up a shift, but I was in the building for maybe 5 minutes and I just got in my car and left. I haven't been working much at all. A lot of my co-workers were saying "Hey, Where have you been?" I don't want to go into the deep of everything.

I think I'm dealing with a lot of shame. I know I really shouldn't, but it's there. I'm just upset that I'm letting this thing control my life. I'm constantly putting myself in situations that I fail. I think I want a new job, maybe that will give me some intiative. I've just heard the word 'No' so much lately, i put too much pressure on each and every failed interview attempt. I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon, it's for a shift one night a week at a place just outside of Columbus. I don't even think that I will get the job, but I have to try. It could lead to something more, but I'm in dire need of a routine. No more temp accounting jobs, no more contract positions, I need something that I can depend on. I guess my Logan's job has always kind of been there, but sometimes I get so bad that being around strangers is just the scariest thing I could do.

I was talking to a friend today about how I haven't really given Ohio a chance. I know I've been here for a year and a half, but seems like I have had one foot here and one foot back home. I may just be missing friends back home, since I haven't been back to visit in 4 months. I have a few new friends here and I thought that it would make me feel more established, it has a little, but I think getting a permanent job during the day will help me even more. I've been thinking about just working at a bookstore during the day and serving a few nights a week. I just need to be occupied if I plan on waking up early and getting on a schedule. It is too easy for me to say "screw it" and go back to sleep if I don't actually have to be up for anything. I need to work on that next week, as it is around 4am already and I don't think I'll end up waking up early tomorrow, well this morning.

I'm not a religious person, I think many of my friends already know that. I can see why people who are either in a bad situation or just in need with no one to turn to, go to their religion. I've kind of always realized that, but I am seeing it more clearer now. I don't see myself turning to anything spiritual. I've been trying to meditate before I go to sleep. I'm not really good at it yet, but I hope that I can clear my mind this way. Most of the time I end up meditating and it leads to a train of thought that I can't stop thinking about.

This is a little off-topic, but I talked to another friend earlier today. I was telling her that I am not 'great' at one single thing. I'm good at a lot of things, but not great. I used to think that I was a pretty good writer, but after submitting a few things recently, I've become pretty discouraged. I don't think that I have the patience to hone my skills to become great at one thing. I started thinking of things that I am/was great at. Here is the list:

Playing Madden
Bowling (circa 1998)
Downloading obscure albums
Quoting 'Anchorman'
Listening to people
Contacting PR people for my website and getting what I need(1999-2005)
Collections (I know, not a good thing to be great at)

A few of those things are nice to have, but others are not of any use to me. I used to play Madden all the time, it helped me calm my mind down, plus I could kill the Patriots any night of the week. I know I'm probably missing a few things, I'll keep a running list if I think of anything else

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Cue The Sun [27 Feb 2008|07:58pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

I'm wondering if I will ever look back at this period in my life and smile. I guess there are times in everyone's life that you never get over. I can name a few, but this period includes a few years in my life. I will need to forgive myself before I can truly start getting better.

My doctor tells me that I won't be 100% symptom free. I'll always have moments of mania and severe depression, but with medication and coping skills learned from therapy, I can be productive. I am going to bring up my problem with my Wellbutrin first thing when I have my appt. on Tuesday.

I hope I wake up tomorrow and feel better, the last few days have been hard to get through. I've been in a deep depression for a few days and I'm just sitting here hoping that my manic phase starts soon.

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Who will come? [25 Feb 2008|10:30pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

Man, I haven't written here in a long time. I'm not sure if I have any friends left. Livejournal has been good to me in the past and I hope it will be just as good for me in the future.

I've had a rough couple of years. I guess I should have written on here more, but I was afraid of what I would find out about myself. I would write something and then read it the next day and not know the person that posted said entry. I'm struggling with Bipolar disorder. I wish I could take the world and put them into a room so I can explain what I go through everyday. People shouldn't be afraid of people who suffer with bipolar, they should just be a crutch on the days where it is hard to get out of bed.

I thought with the beginning of a new year, this will be my year...I was foolish. I've been hospitalized twice since New Year's and I seriously doubt that that will be my last. I'm on a couple medications and I don't think one of them is working. My other medication, Zyprexa, is making me sleep everyday, something that I've struggled with. Wellbutrin is the medication that isn't working. It is an anti-depressant and I think it is making me worse. I am afraid to leave my apartment, which isn't new, but I'm even more agoraphobic than I used to be.

Things have been bouncing in my head, scary things. I wonder if I died, who will come to my funeral. Who would cry or who would see it coming? Things that scare the hell out of me. I am dealing with some low moments lately and I think the medicine is triggering it. I have told my doctor what I've been going through, but he wants me to stay on it a little longer. My next doc appt. is a week from tomorrow, I'm looking forward to it, 'cause maybe then he'll realize how bad this is making me.

I'm not a religious person, I think it is easier that way. If I was religious I would have a "faith" that would give me a false sense of security. I'm sure that would be helpful at times, but I would struggle with the question of "Why would God be so brutal and evil to have put me in this spot?" I mean I'm a nice guy, I think I have done good things for people, why? Why Why Why? That would be going through my head a lot. I am glad I am not religious. I kind of got the shit-end of the stick when it comes to genetics, but I am strong-willed, but a man can only take so much...I'm nearing the end of my pain-threshold. I hope something changes or I'm afraid of what could happen.

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Helium.com Posts [09 Mar 2007|06:51am]
Hey guys,

Here are a few new articles I wrote that appeared on Helium.com.

NCAA March Madness Upset predictions

Reasons To Go To A Minor League Game

The Beauty of Baseball
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More helium posts [05 Mar 2007|01:21am]
hey guys,

Here are a few more articles that I wrote on Helium. Most of them are sports-related, enjoy!

http://www.helium.com/tm/196089

http://www.helium.com/tm/195972

http://www.helium.com/tm/195881

http://www.helium.com/tm/195425

http://www.helium.com/tm/196146

http://www.helium.com/tm/136539

http://www.helium.com/tm/161367

http://www.helium.com/tm/149590

http://www.helium.com/tm/196146
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Articles on Helium.com [04 Mar 2007|06:55pm]
Hey,

if anyone is bored and want to read some articles that I wrote, here are some links.

Thanks friends!

http://www.helium.com/tm/195425

http://www.helium.com/tm/195162

http://www.helium.com/tm/195163

http://www.helium.com/tm/195128

http://www.helium.com/tm/195342

http://www.helium.com/tm/191865

http://www.helium.com/tm/191264

http://www.helium.com/tm/191139

http://www.helium.com/tm/189272

http://www.helium.com/tm/190092

http://www.helium.com/tm/149590

http://www.helium.com/tm/171124
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I'm still alive [18 Feb 2007|08:41pm]
[ mood | blank ]

just wanted to let my LJ friends who I've known for like 5 years, that I'm still alive, even if I haven't posted in like a year.

I think myspace has kind of eclipsed my LJ.

Hope all is well...

1 comment|post comment

Paul Pabla - Rest In Peace [06 Jul 2006|07:53pm]
[ mood | sad ]

For those who do not know, we recently lost a great man, Paul Pabla. Paul is from the Fort Wayne area and he was killed by a sniper in Mosul, Iraq on July 3rd, one week before his 24th birthday. Paul was a great person, friend, and soldier, I am sad that he is not here anymore and the reality that he will no longer be here is setting in with every keystroke.

Here is a link to a great article on Paul from this morning's Journal Gazette, they interviewed myself and a few other of his friends.

http://www.fortwayne.com/mld/fortwayne/14977179.htm



Please feel free to repost this so all who want and should see this article are able to access it.

Thank you,

Bobby Roberts

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Things That Annoy Me [13 Jun 2006|04:32am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Okay, just out of curiosity, I have been noticing things that either bother me or are just so innane that I find them hilarious. I just want to see if anyone else finds humor or annoyance in any of the following things I'm going to list.

Dudes who constantly dance by themselves at clubs. They inch towards the same group of girls every other song. Give it up man, if the girl wants to dance with you, I'm sure they would have been on your crotch-al region by the first breakbeat.

Girls who do not look directly at the dude I listed before. You stare at one of your other girlfriends asking if he is cute or "if the gross dude is approaching." If you want the dude to leave you alone, just carry a fake wedding ring around, put it on and BAM!, pop it in his face. This method will work better than the, "c'mon girls, let's just dance closer together" method, that just might turn the guy on more. :)

Roger Clemens and Brett Favre always acting like they are going to retire, then they come back. Like these dudes are going to turn down millions of dollars just because they don't want to play a game anymore? Clemens is like 42 and Favre is in his late-30s. All I am going to say is that Nolan Ryan pitched competitively until he 46 and Doug Flutie was a QB until he around that age too. If you're going to retire, just do it and go play golf, leave us out of it.

Rock and Roll Singer, we all know that you're going to think your next album is your best work. Is it really worth mentioning? For example, lead singer of Papa Roach, Jacoby Shaddix, he said that their new album is "by far" their best album to date........we're talking about Papa Roach, I can pretty much believe him. Wouldn't it be fairly easy to exceed "Infest," "Lovehatetragedy," and "Getting Away With Murder." (Wait a minute, I just named all three Papa Roach cds off the top of my head. I guess I have two filing cabinets in my head, one filled with Beatles, Ben Folds, Weezer, and other good band material, and one with Papa Roach, Creed, Boy Bands, and other shit not worth selling at a garage sale.)

People who correct other people's English. 9/10 the other person knows what you're saying, leave it be please. If we wanted a critique, we probably wouldn't be talking to you. (Haha, that actually sounded mean. I just think it's annoying, but I would like to have a Audio Grammar Spellcheck for myself. You would be talking and then all of the sudden a big squiggly line comes out of your mouth, haha.)

That's all I got right now.....more should come when I'm more awake......have a great day everyone.

2 comments|post comment

Another Long one.....read if you want... [07 Apr 2006|12:44am]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

First off, I would like to thank the many people who read my last journal entry and messaged me or commented….it meant a lot, even had some new people interested in what’s going on since I last wrote.

Well, I went to Cleveland to look at the National City position, saw some old faces, no one really looked happy. I mean, if I would move there, I would be in the same situation just with no real foundation to lean on. I started to remember a lot of the days that I had there, some of the days were great, and then I remembered the days that I want to forget. Calling people who owe bills for a living, is just that a living, I don’t want to say it’s a career for the weak-hearted. Some of the people were sincere and I wanted to take my checkbook out and pay it for them. Oh, and then the people who you call and they past away and you get a widowed wife on the other end, I can still remember almost hearing the tears well up in her eyes as she spoke.

I was walking around Cleveland and then I just ended up in a Catholic church around noon. I don’t know why I went in there. The next thing I knew I was lighting some candles, Sort of doing things that I thought other people did. I looked around the corner and there was a line for the confessional. I stepped in line, as I was waiting I asked the man in front of me, “Do you have to be Catholic, to do this?” he said, “No, but you might want to tell the priest that.” So, I wait for about 10 minutes and then I go in, spill my guts out to this dude, everything that has been bothering me. In short, telling him that I am a good guy, I rarely do things that God or whomever would deem to be sinful. He just reminded me that we’re all God’s children and he’d pray for me. The next few days were nice days, I can’t say it was because of this one priest, but I can respect a religion if I see some good in it. Some weird things happened after that, a few people got in contact with me that I lost contact with and made some new bonds with some old friends.

Anyways, I am good at collecting, but I need to realize that I am good at a lot of things, if I put my mind to it, I know I can excel at about anything. I’m a fast learner, etc. I don’t like collecting ‘cause of some financial troubles my parents had while I was growing up, I never thought I was ever going to be the guy on the other side of the phone that would make my mom cry. I just don’t see myself working in Cleveland for National City.

After that I went down to Columbus to visit my friend Jack, it was a great time, I didn’t even need to take any medication while I was there. Met some new people, a few very cool, a couple very real. It was supposed to be a one day trip, ended up being like 4 days or something, I had an awesome time. I can see myself living there for awhile maybe.

So, I have gotten a few job offers in OH, but I don’t have the fundage to move. It’s like I could see the end of the rainbow, but unable to touch the gold. I’ve been turned down for jobs that I honestly believe that I might have even been over-qualified for, because I have that much pride in my ability to pull through, in whatever I do. At first, this job search was about getting a better job, then it went to maybe getting about the same pay, then it went to, “let’s see how much I need a month and get a job where I can get by.”, now, it’s, “Can I really suck it up and work fast food and lose what little self-respect I have?” It’s a question that I’ll ponder as I will try to sell myself to as many people that will listen to me tomorrow. Tomorrow I will be employed by Bobby Roberts Inc., see how many of these Bobby Roberts version 1.0, I can see to employers, then from there, choose from the best.

I plan on going on a resumé rampage tomorrow and handing out a bunch to get the train keep on keepin’ on. I just need something that will sustain me for awhile. I believe this is why I did the next thing……

Well, I was in town ‘cause I had to babysit my niece, it was awesome, but that’s beside the point. I was in Ligonier and I did something that I’ve never done in the entire time I have been in Ligonier. I went to the back of the graveyard. There’s a huge graveyard in the middle of town and I’ve never been to the back, where all the old tombstones are. Some date as far back as like 1819, and so on. There’s even two huge tombs. Well, I deduced the reason why I was there was because I was unable to visit my grandma’s grave in West Virginia, I miss her when I’m at my parents house ‘cause I have to sleep in her room when I’m staying at my parents house. So I looked at all the tombs, read them, some were first generation immigrants from Germany. I mean, they lived the so-called “American Dream” and who knows, probably was on Ellis Island, some of them at least. Knowing that no one that actually knew them are still alive, it would basically be impossible, they would be like 140 yrs old or something. I kissed my hand and touched each tombstone. I knew at least at one time someone loved them and was sad. I could almost feel that with every touch of a stone.

Also, I noticed that as I went towards the newer sections of the graveyard, the tombstones were less extravagant. I know that they didn’t love their loved ones less, maybe something that they had back in early 1900s would cost about a hundred times more now for the same slab of limestone. I’ve decided today that if I were to be ever diagnosed with a disease that was deemed to be deadly and a cure is not in sight, I would build and carve my own tombstone. People, money, titles, houses, all this stuff is dust eventually, but tombstones last a lot longer. I want people 200 years from now look at my tombstone and go, “wow, someone must have loved him to build such a memorial.” I hope by that time that I love myself enough to do that.

So, I miss my grandma all the time, I always keep two of her handkerchiefs on me, at least when I’m driving. It’s silly to say that these 2 pieces of cloth are ever going to deter me from getting hurt in a car, but it helps me, especially since my cousin died in a car accident a month ago, by the way, I visited his grave today too, it was glorious, I wish him the best wherever great people go when they are taken away from the living.

If you have read down to here, I thank you. You are going to get to the real reason of why I am writing this….The reason I am still here, the reason I decided everyday that I’m going to survive that day. I believe that there’s a balance in this world….I am having one of the shittiest fucking years in history, up to this point, but I believe that someone out there is having the best god damn time of their lives right now, and if I have to suffer for someone to feel such a great feeling, so be it. If this unselfish act that I believe I am doing will pay in the end. Karma is a bitch and I believe I have always had a good handful of it since if you would ask all my friends to say something bad about me, I can not really say too many could come up with anything, am I being conceded by saying that, no, ‘cause the only thing in this fucking world you have is you. So basically, if you call whatever I say some sort of weird religious or spiritual nonsense, so be it. I just believe in the goodness of man, something that I thought I lost a long time ago. Back when I thought I was a naive kid from Ligonier who stuttered, well I found a few things on my way down to the bottom.

I may not know what or where I’ll be tomorrow, but I know that the best days of my life are ahead of me, that’s why I don’t go in my room and swallow a bottle of pills, I’ve lost that belief a few times, haven’t we all? Honestly, think, maybe it wasn’t too far ago, that you didn’t think it could get any worse. I know if could get a lot worse for me, I may think I’m at the bottom, but I’m nowhere near it. A wise woman, who was my grandma, once said, “Whatever doesn’t kill you, will only make you stronger.” This is coming from a woman that raised 12 kids and couldn’t read a single word in the Bible, but could recite any book in the Bible word for word….I’m not a religious guy, but that’s dedication.

I think that I have cleared out some of the thoughts that I’ve had bouncing around in there. Everyone is free to comment on anything, I enjoy hearing from everyone and I hope to be there for each one of you, if you’re ever in need of assistance.

I’m going to end with this wise quote from a homeless man that I spoke with for awhile. “An act of kindness costs nothing to giver, but is priceless to the recipient.”

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I'd rather be see-thru than be a wall...... [23 Mar 2006|05:42am]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

So, I've been thinking a lot lately, scary things happen when I do that.

I'm a writer......I haven't been doing much of that and I really, really (I know a double adjective) need to do this more often. My head runneth over with every sort of emotion and fear that I can imagine.

There's no segway appropriate for what I'm about to say. I was alone at night and thoughts were running through my head that probably shouldn't have been. Remember those Bon Jovi commercials from like 15 years ago for the Boystown hotline and blah blah, well, I called it. The man was asking me questions that I've never really thought about like, "Do you have a plan to kill yourself?" I replied, "Not really." A long pause came over the conversation. I really don't have a plan, I just wish I'd be gone. I'm a pussy, plan and simple, cutting, shooting, and all that, just isn't going to happen. I'm afraid of heights, I live on the 3rd floor, but if I tried to jump from my balcony, I'd probably just tweak an ankle. I've tried the pill technique, my body is smarter than that and I just throw them up. I asked the man how long he has been doing this, he replied with a, "more years than you've probably been alive." This gentleman sounds like an older black man and he listened to me.......he replied......I replied......it was maybe the nicest conversation that I've had in probably 2 years. I spoke about everything from growing up, to my parents, to what keeps me alive, and this conversation only lasted about 15 minutes. Whatever I do in my life, for however long it lasts, I hope I help out one person in my life like this gentleman did for me. Just a few minutes ago I called the same #, I was put on hold and the same friendly voice was on the other end, I told him that I was just calling to tell him Thank You, 'cause he probably doesn't hear it enough. I told him that I am not sure if I'm never going to call him again, but that night he helped me realize that people actually care in this world. He's probably in some call center working 3rd shift working on this line, maybe a volunteer, maybe not, probably not making more than 40k a year if he's a supervisor, what a way make a difference.

I've had a long conversation with my newfound friend Alysen today and she made me realize that I need a plan. I've been debating about moving to Cleveland to a job I once had here in fort wayne that moved to Cleveland. I was happy then. I do not know if I was happy then because I was "sorta" "kinda" with Erin at the time or if I was happy, because I like the job. Basically, my plan is to move to Cleveland in 2-3 months, maybe less if I can find a place to crash before I can get a studio apt or something, get back into college, Cleveland St. (I can actually major in Journalism there, imagine that!), get an internship with Alternative Press Magazine, which has been my dream since I was probably 17, and maybe get into their regular staff and/or some other form of the press or music business. Another plan would see if there was a college in the area that I could get a Sports Management degree and maybe get in with a sports team since I have a passion for the game, I respect it and respect the players and fans of any sport. I would love to get involved with baseball in some way. So, to some it all up, I don't really have a plan.

I'm driving to Cleveland early friday morning, 260-221-1980, call me if you're up, 'cause I'll be bored driving. After my meeting with some of my old and possibly new bosses, I'm going to make a day out of this and go up to the rock and roll hall of fame, it's like 20 bucks to get in, but that is one place that I've always wanted to go. I could really care less about Canton, but I would go if I was bored. I would really love to go to Cooperstown, NY for the baseball hall of fame. Anyways, I hope to head down to Columbus, OH later that day and hang out with one of my closest friends that I haven't seen in too long of time, Jack. It should be a good weekend.

So, some more bad news, the aunt that my mom thought that lived in Akron that I could crash with while I worked in Brecksville, OH, she doesn't live in Akron, she lives closer to Pennsylvania and that's not going to work. There's still one more connection, I have a cousin, i don't even know his name, but my mom said he's cool and she'll see what's up, maybe I could crash at his place for awhile, if he lives anywhere near cleveland. So, I may have to move back to Ligonier for a few months, work in a freakin' factory for awhile to earn some $ so I can move to OH.

I'm almost out of my anxiety medication, I need it refilled, I think I'm going to go to Ligonier and get some more, i think it really helped me. I can't drive and take it, so I've been burning cds like crazy for the trip to maybe calm me down a little bit. This is a HUGE step for me, family is important to me and I feel like moving that far away will extend some of the distance that I already have with my family. I love everyone, my niece is awesome, she's two, I don't remember anything when I was two, I don't want her to forget me, another reason why I didn't go through with suicide.

I don't think that I want to have kids. I love kids, but my genetics just seem like they are bad news. I don't want a kid that comes out stuttering, can't pronounce words right, rotten teeth, and very mildly autistic like I was when I was a little guy. Plus my parents have heart disease, diabetes, strokes, and all this other stuff in our family history. I don't want my children to feel what I have felt in my trails with depression and anxiety. I don't even know if I can marry anyone, really until I'm sure that I'm fine, but is that ever going to happen? Probably not, I'm sure a lot of people say that, so therefore I am one of millions and probably in the normal category as far as marriage and the "are you ready" phase.

I miss a lot of my friends, I don't really know what I've done or if its them that I haven't spoken or hung out with a few people. A few live far away, moved to other coasts, and here Bobby is still in Indiana, I know Ohio isn't a pot of gold, and my problems will lead me there, but its something that I feel that I need to do. Hell, I'm ballsy, I'm going to name some names......

Jayme - What the hell man, I just don't understand why it seems like you dislike me, thought we were boys. When Nathan, you and I all hung out, I told you that I always felt like the 3rd wheel, but you assured to me that I wasn't, well I guess things happen. When you and Nathan weren't talking, I got you guys talking again, and I don't even get an invite to your wedding? Am I an embarassment that I don't have a degree? I just don't get you man, I'd like to, your wife seems nice, I doubt you would have talked to me at C-street one night if she hadn't had come to me and said, "You're Jayme's friend, and walked me over to you."

Nathan - Dude, we were one of my best friends, I just feel like whenever I dated Erin, you shunned me a little. I introduced you to Seangmany, you know how I feel about that. I just don't hear from you very often. I don't know man, it sucks.

Jack - I think we've became closer the last few weeks, I miss you man. You were my rock as I believe I was yours. The one constant in both our lives is each other. There's not many people that can honestly say that they are 25 years old and still friends with one of the first people they spoke to in kindergarten over 20 years ago. You are like a brother to me, I would say you and Nathan were both in the same boat, brothers man.

Eric - Eric and I were friends for a long time, it was a short time that we hung out, but it was like every day. Then he went to college and everything changed. We wrote letters to each other, then it just stopped. I don't blame you, people change, I've changed, you've changed, no illwill at all man. I would still be there for you and Baxter.

Travis - You're my little brother man, I haven't heard from you in awhile. Hope your new computer job is going well and keep your spirits high. Even if my spirits aren't, you can still always call me and I can try to help you out in any way I can.

Dwayne - We're family, haven't heard from you in awhile. I miss you, I hope you're done getting over that girl. You're brilliant, just remember me when you're President.

Aron - Dude, we've had some times, my kindred soul the last few years. So many memories that I can honestly say maybe some of the best memories were the moments that neither of us can even remember. I hope you could move to Cleveland too, but I wouldn't see why you would even want to.

Carlos - You hate myspace so I am not even going to say anything about you, haha. But, I hope everything goes well with your cancer surgery. You've had a rough 5-6 months, I hope everything will end soon and they get the remainder of what is inside you out and curse it all to hell.

Tim - Oh man, my brother (yeah sounds like I have a lot), but I miss you man. No one can beat owning a baseball card shop when you were in middle school, or however old you were, haha. I wish you the best and maybe one day we can hang out when I'm in Indy, since I have a few friends that recently moved down there.

Fought and Danielle D. - I'm going to miss you guys. I hope things go well in Cincy since you're moving today. I hope happiness follows you and good luck, you deserve it.

Vicki - My little sis, don't feel weird to call me just cause you think everyone hates you about the Aron thing. We were friends before it and still are to this day. Don't forget it.

Joe - I hung out with you a couple times in the last few months, but we've drifted again, we have to keep in touch and who knows, maybe one day I'll be writing about you in a magazine that I'll work for.

Kelly - Wow, I don't know what I would have done without you. You made working @ Logan's unlike any other job that I've ever had. I miss my cuddle buddy, even if you're in Texas or Florida for training, you're the best and sorry if I haven't been there to answer your calls. I'm just emotional tired.

Chad - I love you man, I miss hanging out with you, but due do circumstances that I am trying to control, I hope one day we'll be grinding on old ladies somewhere once again.

Angela - You fucked me up big time, just to let you know. I think I may have told you that, but at the same time I thank you. You made me realize that there is more to a person than just beauty. You're beautiful and I know you have a good heart, somewhere, show it some time and maybe one day you'll be happy, I know you're not. Let's not ever do that thing that we did the last time we hung out, have a good few years, unless there's an LS Ayres reunion or something, I doubt I'll see you, unless I'm @ Piere's. Sorry, I know there's a genuine person in there, just be yourself and you'll find someone that will love you.

Erin - I wish you the best of luck in Colorado, you're awesome, you'll always be a good friend and I hope I see you on TV or read something that you've written very soon. You're a great talent, whatever you touch turns into gold, I'm glad you're happy.

Danielle B. - All I can say is that I'm sorry. You're a counselor as your job and I just can't explain what the hell is going on with me and I can't drag you down with me. I can not date anyone if I am looking for a job in another state and you have aspirations on moving for a teaching job too, it just wasn't going to work. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do.

Mae, Katie, Alysen........Thanks for helping me in times of need and your friendship is appreciated greatly!

If there's anyone else out there that I didn't list, it doesn't mean that I don't have anything nice to say about you or bad. Hell, half of the people that I'm listing here don't even have Myspace or Livejournal and will never know my thoughts about them. But I, Bobby, is a piece of every special people I have in my life. I hope I start taking the good pieces cause I need help sometimes and I am realizing that I am lucky to have/had so many close friends in my young life, I hope I can keep it going.

One more day alive, one more day of Bobby.

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Been Awhile.... [12 Mar 2006|04:30am]
[ mood | disappointed ]

So here I am, about a year since I've last posted a serious entry.

I'm on Valium, Xanex, and Zoloft......my one of many prescriptions that I've been assigned to take. Paxil, Seroquel, Lexapro, etc, etc.....none of those have worked. The more I take a certain medication, the more I want to kill myself. Seriously, the thought has occured to me, here lately, not a day has gone by without me wanting everything to end. I would have probably already ended everything if it wouldn't be for the physical pain and the fact that I would do emotional harm to the people that love me.

I've been doing somewhat of a hermit lifestyle lately, in hopes of maybe distancing myself from people and therefore the pain of me being gone wouldn't be so hard. I dunno, maybe its a subconscious thing I'm doing.

I seriously hate myself.....I have such aspirations and not in a situation to do anything about them. I need help, I've seeked it in the past and all they do is give me another medication that doesnt do anything but make the day go by faster and possibly makes me high.

This has been coming on and off for the last year, even tried twice to take a bunch of pills and mix it with alcohol to see if that would do it......luckily or unluckily my body threw whatever I put in my system up.

I just really needed to get this out of my system. I had a girlfriend, she was nice, i just stopped talking to her, didn't feel the need to drag her down into the gutter that I'm in, she has a lot going for her. Plus, I might be moving to Cleveland to get my old job back, the national city bank job that I had for about 2 years and the office moved to Cleveland, it was a nice job, good money, and it wasn't hard work.

I feel better now, I will finish watching the Aviator now.

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Cubs Preview - Please comment on my analysis!! [07 Mar 2006|09:43pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Current mood: anxious
Category: Sports

So I was looking at an old NBA Preview blog that I completed in Oct. I was quite accurate on all by the Clippers and Jazz, and I little off on the Bulls. Hell, I even predicted a trade the Knicks made last week before the season started.

I will be doing this with the MLB here in a week or so, once the rosters are more set, I know more about baseball than I should and should be fun.

Anyways, the Cubs.......what the heck are they going to do about starting pitching? They need to get a lefty besides Koronka (Who has an ERA of 7.47 last year) and Rusch (Who was 1-12 just two seasons ago).

The health of Wood and Prior are always in question, but an ailing Prior is still better than Rusch. Bring in Rich Hill and let him get some more experience, they traded away Sergio Mitre to acquire lead-off man and Centerfielder, Juan Pierre, which will be of great help. The Cubs have one of the deepest farm systems behind the Brewers and should unload a few mid-season if they are in contention for a Wild Card.

My other concerns are with the Second basemen. Todd Walker, where was the .300 hitter that they acquired from the Red Sox? I don't believe he has even played in a 100 games in each of the last two seasons. Jerry hairston Jr. blamed a preseason injury with his subpar season last year and said to be 100 percent. I say enough already, either move Neifi over there or trade for Soriano from Washington. The Nationals park is not a good park for a home run hitter, but with his speed, it could be just as dangerous. The Nationals need him as an outfielder, since Vidro is an annual all-star and better defensively. Trade Walker and maybe a Single-A player for Soriano, Washington just needs to dump him 'cause he'll be a virus to that team if he doesn't get his way. Aramis, Ronny Cedeno, Soriano, and Lee is a powerful infield and very offensive. It would relieve the outfielders that burden and they would just need to draw walks and try to get on base and maybe steal a couple.

Bullpen concerns? Not too many, They need a solid closer, Dempster was nice in the meantime, but we need a big-boy closer like the cross-town rivals have. I just don't see it, the closest thing they had to a possible closer potential was Farnsworth (who lost more games than ever came close to saving) and Juan Cruz, who is a decent set-up man for Huston Street in Oakland. With the lack of quality closers in the league, the Cubs are not the only team that his this problem, so Dempster is better than LaTroy Hawkins, but Jerome Williams, whom they acquired in a trade for Hawkins, I don't see anything special in this kid.

Cubs bullpen doesn't worry me too much, they acquired a few new faces and re-signed Ohman, which was their best reliever last year. They should keep them in games. But with the damage Prior and Wood have had to their bodies from pitching too many innings, Baker should look after them and Zambrano, who was the work horse last year and in my opinion, their best pitcher at the moment, until I see something from Prior that he's healthy. Howry, who was probably the best reliever that no one knew about came over from Cleveland, via free angency and Eyre was a pickup from the Giants, who is a nice addition. Both of these pitchers can eat some innings up and rest the arm of Dempster for games they need him in down the stretch.

Opening Day Starting 5 - Zambrano, Prior, Maddux, Williams, Koronka (Wood will be thrown into that group in late May) Spot starts will be made by Hill and Rusch - - -- All this depends on Rich Hill's performance in preseason, he could be called up mid-season as well. He should be a factor. Zambrano is the ace of this staff, I don't care about the hype with Prior, Zambrano eats up innings and his intensity sparks this team. The need another quality starter, but don't all teams!

The Cubs catchers are two-dimensional, Blanco is more of a defensive threat more than Barrett, but Barrett is a .280/30/80 threat and should be in there more often. Blanco is lucky if he is a .240/5/35 man.

Outfielders, they need a power hitter acquisition by the trading deadline. With the losses of Patterson and Burnitz, I do not believe Piere and Jones can put up power numbers that they need if they do not get Soriano. Pie will be a Pre-1999 Sosa. He is fast, can get on base, can hit for power, but the major difference is that he doesn't strike out as much as Sosa. Pie may need another year of development before he's ready to be throw into the "Friendly Confinds" permanently. Murton should be a solid Left-fielder and hit some dingers, but they need an upgrade while he develops, a one-year deal for a power guy.

My one regret that will bite the Cubs in the butt. They traded Jason Dubois to the Indians for Gerut, which they sent right away to the Pirates for practically nothing. The Indians with Dubois, Sizemore, and Hafner are going to be Cleveland mainstays in the outfield for quite some time and they will be a force in the AL Central.

To wrap it up, I see the Cubs being a 3rd place team. Everyone in the division has improved. The Cardinals might have digressed a little, but as much of a lead they had in rest of the pack, they can do that. The Astros will still end up second, I don't see Biggio and Berkman having productive years, Berkman yo-yos too much and is not consistent in back-to-back years. Next will be the Cubs, I see them as a 88-74 team. Barring some monster deal or something terrible happens to the Astros or Cards. The Brewers will be fourth, heck, they might even crack the .500 mark, they have TONS of young talent and they need to grow up fast since Fielder and Weeks seem to be opening day starters at their positions. They could be the next Minnesota Twins, by winning with farm system talent and not having a lot of money to play with. Sadly, the Reds and Pirates will be jockeying for the basement. With a healthy Griffey, the Reds may challenge the Brewers for their spot, but the Reds need pitching and more base hits from Dunn and their other outfielders. The Pirates, I can't say much about them, but I wish them luck, they have some young pitching that could develop into something nice, but they let a few key free agents go like Mackowiak.

So, as much as I love the Cubbies, I don't see them finishing any higher than third.......unless them getting rid of Nomar uncursed them like the Red Sox and Wood's arm magically heals and throws like the kid from the movie Rookie of The Year.......where's GARDENHOSER when you need him?

Comment on your thoughts people!

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