So, I've been thinking a lot lately, scary things happen when I do that.
I'm a writer......I haven't been doing much of that and I really, really (I know a double adjective) need to do this more often. My head runneth over with every sort of emotion and fear that I can imagine.
There's no segway appropriate for what I'm about to say. I was alone at night and thoughts were running through my head that probably shouldn't have been. Remember those Bon Jovi commercials from like 15 years ago for the Boystown hotline and blah blah, well, I called it. The man was asking me questions that I've never really thought about like, "Do you have a plan to kill yourself?" I replied, "Not really." A long pause came over the conversation. I really don't have a plan, I just wish I'd be gone. I'm a pussy, plan and simple, cutting, shooting, and all that, just isn't going to happen. I'm afraid of heights, I live on the 3rd floor, but if I tried to jump from my balcony, I'd probably just tweak an ankle. I've tried the pill technique, my body is smarter than that and I just throw them up. I asked the man how long he has been doing this, he replied with a, "more years than you've probably been alive." This gentleman sounds like an older black man and he listened to me.......he replied......I replied......it was maybe the nicest conversation that I've had in probably 2 years. I spoke about everything from growing up, to my parents, to what keeps me alive, and this conversation only lasted about 15 minutes. Whatever I do in my life, for however long it lasts, I hope I help out one person in my life like this gentleman did for me. Just a few minutes ago I called the same #, I was put on hold and the same friendly voice was on the other end, I told him that I was just calling to tell him Thank You, 'cause he probably doesn't hear it enough. I told him that I am not sure if I'm never going to call him again, but that night he helped me realize that people actually care in this world. He's probably in some call center working 3rd shift working on this line, maybe a volunteer, maybe not, probably not making more than 40k a year if he's a supervisor, what a way make a difference.
I've had a long conversation with my newfound friend Alysen today and she made me realize that I need a plan. I've been debating about moving to Cleveland to a job I once had here in fort wayne that moved to Cleveland. I was happy then. I do not know if I was happy then because I was "sorta" "kinda" with Erin at the time or if I was happy, because I like the job. Basically, my plan is to move to Cleveland in 2-3 months, maybe less if I can find a place to crash before I can get a studio apt or something, get back into college, Cleveland St. (I can actually major in Journalism there, imagine that!), get an internship with Alternative Press Magazine, which has been my dream since I was probably 17, and maybe get into their regular staff and/or some other form of the press or music business. Another plan would see if there was a college in the area that I could get a Sports Management degree and maybe get in with a sports team since I have a passion for the game, I respect it and respect the players and fans of any sport. I would love to get involved with baseball in some way. So, to some it all up, I don't really have a plan.
I'm driving to Cleveland early friday morning, 260-221-1980, call me if you're up, 'cause I'll be bored driving. After my meeting with some of my old and possibly new bosses, I'm going to make a day out of this and go up to the rock and roll hall of fame, it's like 20 bucks to get in, but that is one place that I've always wanted to go. I could really care less about Canton, but I would go if I was bored. I would really love to go to Cooperstown, NY for the baseball hall of fame. Anyways, I hope to head down to Columbus, OH later that day and hang out with one of my closest friends that I haven't seen in too long of time, Jack. It should be a good weekend.
So, some more bad news, the aunt that my mom thought that lived in Akron that I could crash with while I worked in Brecksville, OH, she doesn't live in Akron, she lives closer to Pennsylvania and that's not going to work. There's still one more connection, I have a cousin, i don't even know his name, but my mom said he's cool and she'll see what's up, maybe I could crash at his place for awhile, if he lives anywhere near cleveland. So, I may have to move back to Ligonier for a few months, work in a freakin' factory for awhile to earn some $ so I can move to OH.
I'm almost out of my anxiety medication, I need it refilled, I think I'm going to go to Ligonier and get some more, i think it really helped me. I can't drive and take it, so I've been burning cds like crazy for the trip to maybe calm me down a little bit. This is a HUGE step for me, family is important to me and I feel like moving that far away will extend some of the distance that I already have with my family. I love everyone, my niece is awesome, she's two, I don't remember anything when I was two, I don't want her to forget me, another reason why I didn't go through with suicide.
I don't think that I want to have kids. I love kids, but my genetics just seem like they are bad news. I don't want a kid that comes out stuttering, can't pronounce words right, rotten teeth, and very mildly autistic like I was when I was a little guy. Plus my parents have heart disease, diabetes, strokes, and all this other stuff in our family history. I don't want my children to feel what I have felt in my trails with depression and anxiety. I don't even know if I can marry anyone, really until I'm sure that I'm fine, but is that ever going to happen? Probably not, I'm sure a lot of people say that, so therefore I am one of millions and probably in the normal category as far as marriage and the "are you ready" phase.
I miss a lot of my friends, I don't really know what I've done or if its them that I haven't spoken or hung out with a few people. A few live far away, moved to other coasts, and here Bobby is still in Indiana, I know Ohio isn't a pot of gold, and my problems will lead me there, but its something that I feel that I need to do. Hell, I'm ballsy, I'm going to name some names......
Jayme - What the hell man, I just don't understand why it seems like you dislike me, thought we were boys. When Nathan, you and I all hung out, I told you that I always felt like the 3rd wheel, but you assured to me that I wasn't, well I guess things happen. When you and Nathan weren't talking, I got you guys talking again, and I don't even get an invite to your wedding? Am I an embarassment that I don't have a degree? I just don't get you man, I'd like to, your wife seems nice, I doubt you would have talked to me at C-street one night if she hadn't had come to me and said, "You're Jayme's friend, and walked me over to you."
Nathan - Dude, we were one of my best friends, I just feel like whenever I dated Erin, you shunned me a little. I introduced you to Seangmany, you know how I feel about that. I just don't hear from you very often. I don't know man, it sucks.
Jack - I think we've became closer the last few weeks, I miss you man. You were my rock as I believe I was yours. The one constant in both our lives is each other. There's not many people that can honestly say that they are 25 years old and still friends with one of the first people they spoke to in kindergarten over 20 years ago. You are like a brother to me, I would say you and Nathan were both in the same boat, brothers man.
Eric - Eric and I were friends for a long time, it was a short time that we hung out, but it was like every day. Then he went to college and everything changed. We wrote letters to each other, then it just stopped. I don't blame you, people change, I've changed, you've changed, no illwill at all man. I would still be there for you and Baxter.
Travis - You're my little brother man, I haven't heard from you in awhile. Hope your new computer job is going well and keep your spirits high. Even if my spirits aren't, you can still always call me and I can try to help you out in any way I can.
Dwayne - We're family, haven't heard from you in awhile. I miss you, I hope you're done getting over that girl. You're brilliant, just remember me when you're President.
Aron - Dude, we've had some times, my kindred soul the last few years. So many memories that I can honestly say maybe some of the best memories were the moments that neither of us can even remember. I hope you could move to Cleveland too, but I wouldn't see why you would even want to.
Carlos - You hate myspace so I am not even going to say anything about you, haha. But, I hope everything goes well with your cancer surgery. You've had a rough 5-6 months, I hope everything will end soon and they get the remainder of what is inside you out and curse it all to hell.
Tim - Oh man, my brother (yeah sounds like I have a lot), but I miss you man. No one can beat owning a baseball card shop when you were in middle school, or however old you were, haha. I wish you the best and maybe one day we can hang out when I'm in Indy, since I have a few friends that recently moved down there.
Fought and Danielle D. - I'm going to miss you guys. I hope things go well in Cincy since you're moving today. I hope happiness follows you and good luck, you deserve it.
Vicki - My little sis, don't feel weird to call me just �cause you think everyone hates you about the Aron thing. We were friends before it and still are to this day. Don't forget it.
Joe - I hung out with you a couple times in the last few months, but we've drifted again, we have to keep in touch and who knows, maybe one day I'll be writing about you in a magazine that I'll work for.
Kelly - Wow, I don't know what I would have done without you. You made working @ Logan's unlike any other job that I've ever had. I miss my cuddle buddy, even if you're in Texas or Florida for training, you're the best and sorry if I haven't been there to answer your calls. I'm just emotional tired.
Chad - I love you man, I miss hanging out with you, but due do circumstances that I am trying to control, I hope one day we'll be grinding on old ladies somewhere once again.
Angela - You fucked me up big time, just to let you know. I think I may have told you that, but at the same time I thank you. You made me realize that there is more to a person than just beauty. You're beautiful and I know you have a good heart, somewhere, show it some time and maybe one day you'll be happy, I know you're not. Let's not ever do that thing that we did the last time we hung out, have a good few years, unless there's an LS Ayres reunion or something, I doubt I'll see you, unless I'm @ Piere's. Sorry, I know there's a genuine person in there, just be yourself and you'll find someone that will love you.
Erin - I wish you the best of luck in Colorado, you're awesome, you'll always be a good friend and I hope I see you on TV or read something that you've written very soon. You're a great talent, whatever you touch turns into gold, I'm glad you're happy.
Danielle B. - All I can say is that I'm sorry. You're a counselor as your job and I just can't explain what the hell is going on with me and I can't drag you down with me. I can not date anyone if I am looking for a job in another state and you have aspirations on moving for a teaching job too, it just wasn't going to work. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do.
Mae, Katie, Alysen........Thanks for helping me in times of need and your friendship is appreciated greatly!
If there's anyone else out there that I didn't list, it doesn't mean that I don't have anything nice to say about you or bad. Hell, half of the people that I'm listing here don't even have Myspace or Livejournal and will never know my thoughts about them. But I, Bobby, is a piece of every special people I have in my life. I hope I start taking the good pieces �cause I need help sometimes and I am realizing that I am lucky to have/had so many close friends in my young life, I hope I can keep it going.
One more day alive, one more day of Bobby.